**this has absolutely NOTHING to with health and fitness, but I feel the need to blog it. So please just skip this one if you are not interested in hearing about my life and kids. Thanks! ***
Today has been one of those days where I wish I could call my mom and have her tell me everything is going to be alright. That I’m doing a good job and that things will get better.
But I can’t.
So therefore, I blog.
I never really understood the statement that mom’s wear their “hearts on their sleeve”, until I became a mother. Raising them to be responsible and happy people is my job. I do it 24/7 and although at many times it is a thankless one, it is still one that I take very seriously.
So when someone criticizes my kids or my parenting, it cuts to the core.
A few years ago it was someone I thought was a friend, who asked me (in a not so nice way) what was wrong with my oldest son because he didn’t want to play with her kids. It was basically a playdate gone bad but she chastised me and my son and then told me I shouldn’t be having another because I obviously had “my hands full” with the two I already had. (I was pregnant with #3 at the time.)
I spent several months wondering what was wrong with my son and even tried to get him into therapy. As it turns out, 3 year old boys just aren’t happy all the time and now that he is almost 6, he is a great play-dater. That friend though is no longer a “friend”.
Dear friends & family—when you tell me “wow..you have your hands full!”, I want to punch you. It’s always said in such a fake-joking way and it makes me cringe. Here’s a clue: if you really want to be helpful, offer one of your hands to help me out! And please, do NOT offer to find me a sitter. My kids have rarely had one during the day and never had one at bedtime.
Yes, I have 3 small boys and another on the way. I obviously know my plate and hands are full. I don’t need YOU to point that out. But judging me for their typical kid-like behavior and then telling me I should have re-thought having another, is just plain MEAN.
Today it was a doctor’s visit for my youngest. After making us wait in the tiny (hot) exam room for almost 40 minutes my little guy was spent. He was angry and truthfully, so was I. There was no way he was going to try and show you (a stranger), his 17 month old skills. So instead of just cutting the appointment short, you decided it was the IDEAL time to berate me for opting for an alternate vaccine schedule. *
Telling me I was putting my child at risk and then saying that “some people think Dr. Sears is a quack” did not help matters. My kid is screaming bloody murder at this point, so it’s great for me to hear: “you have your hands full yet you are having another!?” from someone who is supposed to be a trusted professional in the field of CHILDREN.
Icing on the cake was “well what is wrong with him, is he always angry like this?”
I left that office in tears, wondering AGAIN what is wrong with my children?
Why don’t they adapt well in new situations or like being with new people?
Why are they so high energy and go from happy one moment to furious the next?
The visit this morning brought up all the insecurities I have as a mother:
- What if they don’t end up happy?
- What if they end up serial killers?
- What if they end up hating me and cut me out of their life?
- What AM I DOING WRONG?
I don’t have answers. I am just doing the best that I can and I am tired of other people moms making me feel like crap. I don’t abuse my children. They are well fed and have had a pretty awesome childhood. (in my opinion).
I am simply doing the best that I can.
So please, if you have made it this far in this post, thank you for being my therapist. And please remember, even the slightest comment to another person can be hurtful. The next time you see a mom struggling out in public offer to help or at least give a nod that you understand. Compassion can go a long way in the world today.
*for the record, because I feel the need to defend myself, I do vaccinate my children, just at a slower pace than is recommended by those who dictate the vaccine schedule. I was not refusing the vaccines at this appointment just that I didn’t want him to get EIGHT all at once. She made me sign a form that stated I understood I was putting my child at risk.
Seriously?!
{ 30 comments }
{{{HUGS}}}
BTDT on the vaccines. I’m sorry your doctor was a PITA about it. I’ve gotten that comment from so many people that it doesn’t even phase me anymore. And you know what, both my boys were fully vaccinated by Kindergarten. We just took our time getting there…
You are doing a good job. Hang in there!
MCM Mama´s last [type] ..3 times 3 Thursday- Jobs- illnesses- and beer
Oh! I just want to give you a big hug and share some funnel cake! You are a great Mom and the people that matter in your life know that. That is all that matters. Hey…at least you don’t spill beer on you kids head!
Oh man…that stinks. The audacity of it. Ugh. People can be sooooo insensitive. I think you are smart not giving them all 8 vaccines at once. Had I knew more at the time I would have done the same thing. That Dr. was probably just ticked b/c you weren’t following his/her advice as if it was the voice of God.
I remember when my boys were the same age. It’s was hard and I worried about all the same things. Now, while I have new concerns, I can laugh about the old worries. You are A GREAT, no, the BEST mommy for your kids. You sacrifice a lot to be there for you them and they know you LOVE them. So people who don’t recognize that can shove it. (IMHO) This post particular speaks to me b/c my sister is in a very similar situation. People would act all shocked (not in a good way) and weirded out when she was pregnant with her 3rd b/c her “hands were full” which they were but, like you, she didn’t need to be reminded. She needed to be loved, helped, and encouraged. We all do.
I’ll get off my soapbox. You have my # and are welcome to call if ever you need someone to vent to when it’s late on your side of the country. My time zone is 3 hours earlier.
(((HUGS)))
Jenn (GH)´s last [type] ..More on Meal Planning and Planners
I just have to reply to your post. I love hearing the ‘real life’ of a workout mommy.
Sorry your day was so hard. I have two little ones, and can understand.
Re Vaccines: I live in Europe and here, the doctors will only give one vaccine at a time. My only umpf with it means that I have to not only pay for the vaccine (private insurance with living overseas), but also pay for each doctor’s appointment to get the vaccine. We are actually going to a Travel Immunization place today to see if we can get more than one immunization for our kids (and us!), and not have to pay the doctor’s visit. It adds up! Eight vaccines at once does seem a bit extreme, though!
melissa´s last [type] ..Silas’ Favorites 2011
Aww, I’m sorry your day was so hard. You’re doing great though – you are making the best decisions for your family and only you know what is best. Doctors and other people who try to make you feel bad have their own agenda. Dr. Eddie basically told both Mark and I at E’s 5 year appt he didn’t like the way we were raising her – the fact that we subscribe to Dr Sears and Alfie Kohen in terms of our parenting but neither of us really cared too much because the three of us are happy with the way our family works. You’re doing a great job and those boys love you – I’d say the Dr isn’t qualified to know what’s best for your family and it speaks to her character that she would try to bully you. Big Hugs!
HUGS AND I GET YOU AND I WISH I COULD WHISK YOU AWAY FOR A SPA WEEKEND…with me
Miz´s last [type] ..No Scale Victory!
OMG, Lisa! I can’t believe your “friend” would say that and how horrible of that doctor. Do you have an option to switch practices? I’ve switched for less offensive behavior than that (always having to wait at LEAST one hour past the appt time) If not, you might consider writing a letter to the practice–starting with the circumstances of the long wait in the hot room. At least it would get it off your chest and might let that doctor know that she needs to show more COMPASSION.
You work so hard to be a GREAT mom and give your boys a safe, supportive environment to grow up and thrive in, and seem to do pretty well of embracing the happy chaos of your family.
(P.S. do you know that your newest is a boy?)
Coco´s last [type] ..Training Log – Zooma Annapolis Half Marathon Week 6
I’m so sorry! Sometimes, I have found that pediatricians have the worst bedside manner when they should have the best. I wouldn’t worry what is “wrong” with your children.. they are still young! Addison(4) melts down pretty quickly, and I have always thought it is a combination of age and passion- everyone could use some passion in their life about something, right?
Rachel McPhillips´s last [type] ..Friday Updates!
You did the right thing in ditching your “friend”, and now I think it’s time to find a new pediatrician. Which sucks, I know. However, doctors should not leave you feeling this way. If you can;t trust them to have your best interests at heart, you need to switch. Ask around for recommendations. In particular ask your OB-GYN. They usually know the poop on the local pediatric scene. And I apologize if I am stating the obvious or telling you things you already know. I grew up with a nurse-educator and a pharmacist, and I have very strong feelings about self-advocacy with the health care profession.
You know what is wrong with your boys? NOTHING, they are BOYS!
You are a great mom, Lisa because you always have their best interest at heart and will do whatever it is you need to do for them.
F that Dr. I saw this on FB yesterday, read your whole comments section and am APPALLED! WTH is wrong with that Dr!?!?! (I would TOTALLY file a complaint.)
It’s amazing how words can cut us to our soul and I’m sorry for your painful experiences. People can be such a**holes.
PS – My apologies for the profanity, but totally necessary in this instance
First…big {{{{{hugs}}}}}
and your ‘friend’ was no friend! skip her!!!
and the dr…well that reminds me of why we don’t go to the dr…period…what an ignorant bafoon…
now see I’d been annoyed & disgusted and told him that I and my child aren’t angry unless left in a hot room waiting for a dr who was late!
and you shouldn’t have to defend your reasons for vaccinating at a later schedule..shoot we dont do them period here….
meanwhile maybe this post I did 2 yrs ago will help you on the front of adults vs kids and what’s right/wrong/shy/not… http://www.taraburner.com/misc/shy-or-smart-what-do-you-think.php
There is nothing wrong with you or your children!!!
You’re a great mom and let everything else roll off you when someone says otherwise! Don’t doubt yourself! <3
Tara Burner´s last [type] ..Fitbloggin postcard!
hi! (remember me? i am the chick in ny that had the hallux rigidus surgery) i just wanted to say… i don’t have kids, but i am totally with you on the vaccination issue. maybe find a new pediatrician that is a little more flexible. she sounds like a real b**ch. and you sound like a great mom!! by the way….how is your toe?
You are a Mother taking care of her children. You are amazing!
WOW! People can be so insensitive. I agree! If you want to be a friend get your butt over here and help me do some laundry, dishes or just pick up toys. If I lived near you I would totally do that for you.
@PamelaMKramer – A Renaissance Woman´s last [type] ..Wordless Wednesday – Crazy Sock Day!
I could have written this! I had a ‘friend’ tell me my child wasn’t welcome in her home, or anyone else’s because he had an accident. Turns out she was the only one who felt that way and she alienated herself for being so malicious and speaking for the other members of our group. Karma has a way of working these things out.
Emily´s last [type] ..Cheap Upgrades
It’s amazing how many people feel they can step in and tell you how to parent. I teach kindergarten, and of my students have their own little personalities and good days and bad days. I’ve worked with so many kids, and I can tell you it’s hard for boys and girls with a lot of energy to sit still in a waiting room (or classroom). You can’t blame them for their behavior when they’ve had enough, and imo, it’s unfair to expect them to behave well when they’ve had to sit in the same place or room for too long. Especially when they’re with their parents who they feel comfortable complaining to, heh heh.
Keep your chin up and don’t let anyone make you feel bad, they’re going to turn out great.
OMG seriously. People just say stupid stuff sometimes. It’s totally normal for a 3 yr old to not want to really engage with a playmate. Duh. Also, we got the same schpiel from a ped we saw (ONCE) who also told us that we shouldn’t co-sleep because it’s dangerous. Whatever. I’ve read the Dr. Sears book, and he actually SUPPORTS vaccinations, but he gives us ALL of the information. He’s so not a quack.
I totally get you needing to defend yourself on the vaccine decisions you’ve made..totally. People get all up in arms if you don’t do things exactly the way you’re told to. I LOVE that you decided to delay. GOod for you!!
And..you’re pregnant???!!! YES!!! WOOHOO!!!!!! Go mama!
A DOCTOR asked “What is wrong with him?” WOW. I’m speechless.
Greta´s last [type] ..Fitbloggin Swag Giveaway
OMGoodness!! HUGS HUGS and MORE HUGS!! I think you are an amazing woman, mother, and person! You are doing the best job possible. I think (as a mom to three crazy boys the same age as yours) it is just a BOY thing! I too have thought those same questions/concerns as you!
You are not alone. Keep trucking. Call me anytime!! Hugs
Rachel @RunningRachel´s last [type] ..Wordless Wednesday
First, I have to say that this post has EVERYTHING to do with health…you know I am a HUGE believer in getting this kind of stuff out. It is GOOD for our health AND fitness. Seriously.
Second, I am not a mother, and maybe it’s because I am not, that I believe you know what’s best for your kids. Trust yourself. Listen to that little voice, or that little tightening in your chest or gut…that is telling you that something’s not right (with a so-called friend or a doctor). So often we’re lulled into thinking that we can’t trust ourselves. YOU know yourself and your boys. Your instincts won’t fail you.
And lastly, standing up for ourselves (and our children) is damned hard, especially if we were taught that doing so ended badly.
You’ve got this Lisa! Hugs too
KCLAnderson (Karen)´s last [type] ..Fitbloggin Part 2- Equally As Honest- From My Real Heart
Gosh, I have such a ‘been there, done that’ feeling from reading this. It’s great that you’ve got place to vent here. Remember, you can hire or fire any doctor. You are the client. If they’re not providing the support you need, find another. They must keep their vaccination rates up or they face financial penalties. I gave my kids their mandated vaccines and no more when they were under 2. Now I have religious waivers for both. If you tell me where you are, I might be able to help you find a more progressive practice. Kills me to hear the MD’s asking YOU what’s wrong. Isn’t that THEIR job?
Oh my.
You know what I learned the hard way, some people just suck.
Repeat this everyday, every minute if you have to, you are a great mom.
I can so relate! I really wish people would stop judging parenting my their kids behavior because in all honesty, we cannot control their behavior. We can attempt to modify it or take preventitive measures to head off forseable problems but kids have their own agenda in mind and you can’t force them to behave in a certain way. My oldest is a handful and I have isolated myself so much because I fear how people will view me as a parent. He has ADHD, OCD, & some high functioning autism. He has difficults controlling his actions, thinking ahead, and understanding the feelings of others or how what he does & how he acts affects those around him. I get the stares from other people when he starts getting upset, throwing a fit,makes a rude remark, or seem extremely odd in his behavior or what he says/does. He is 10 yrs old so why doesn’t he act more mature & responsible like other 10 yr olds? Plus, he is extremely tall for his age & smart so people assume he is more like 12 yrs old making it even worse. I can’t control his behavior. I attempt to explain things to him to cut off tantrums help not focus so much on what is wrong so we can work on a solution, but it is an uphill battle many times. I get easily frustrated because I don’t know what to do or how to help him. Add two other younger siblings in the mix that I also need to watch over & care for and things can get pretty hectic or out of control sometimes. But I try the best I can and I love my kids dearly. I only want what best for them and to help them learn from their mistakes and that they have control of their lives and the choices they make. I have been known to give evil looks back or state a rude remark because hey, you don’t know me and have an understanding of my children and what makes them tick. Stop making assumptions based on what you see on the outside and try to understand what may being going on on the inside is all I ask!
HUGE HUGS Lisa!! I so wish I could I could be there to hug you in person. Believe me when I say I know how you feel. I too hate being told “You sure have your hands full!” Once a guy in the grocery store said to me (while I was pregnant with #4 and the others were screaming) – “Maybe you shouldn’t have another one if you can’t handle the ones you’ve got” and I turned around and snapped “Or maybe you should thank me since they’ll be paying for your social security and pensions since you’re not having kids.” As for the vaccines, girl you need a new Ped. Mine didn’t even blink twice when I told him I wanted to space some of ours out. You are a GREAT mom, honey. Truly.
P.S.I’m convinced that this time of life is the absolute hardest – teeeny tiny kids, little support, mom-on-call 24/7. I know everyone complains aobut teens but I swear it can’t be harder than what we’re doing now.
Charlotte´s last [type] ..How to Help A Child Lose Weight Help a reader out!
There is NOTHING wrong with you!
There is NOTHING wrong with your kids!
I’m with Charlotte; it’s time for a new pediatrician, one who will treat you and your kids with the respect you deserve. How DARE anyone, least of all a DOCTOR, criticize you for having another child? Or for making the decision to go with a different vaccination schedule? A lot of doctors have G-d complexes, and yours is obviously one of them. Do you have Yelp? If you do, you can write a scathing review of this doctor. And then write a letter to this doctor explaining exactly why you are leaving his/her practice. It’s the least he/she deserves, IMHO.
I’m constantly amazed at the audacity of people who criticize other moms (and dads). Your former “friend” assumed that something was wrong with your son because he didn’t want to play with her kids. Because, of course, it couldn’t be anything HER precious children did, right? It must be something wrong with YOU or YOUR child.
Riiiiiight.
I also agree with Charlotte (’cause she’s brilliant!) that this is such an incredibly difficult time, when kids are this young!
Just remember; when someone criticizes your kids or your parenting, it says a whole heck of a lot more about THEM than it does about you or your kids!
Oh Lord.
As a woman whose path didn’t lead to children, I get a lot of nosy people telling me what I did wrong to be so un-blessed. I figure we all get blessed, but in different ways; for some reason these people feel the need to tell me otherwise.No matter what you’re doing, someone will always be pleased to tell you that you’re doing it wrong.
My mother once told me that she got mildly irritated with a doctor. He was criticizing the way she was giving birth. Not only was she older than he was, she’d already given birth six times before, so as she saw it the doctor wasn’t as qualified as she was on the subject. Sounds a bit like your ped.
Merry´s last [type] ..Still here
Ditto on getting a new pediatrician! My little guy threw a massive fit (and I do mean massive) on the floor of the exam room during his 3-YEAR-old check-up. It was definitely not typical behavior for him (he had been woken up from a nap, which he usually doesn’t take anymore). Luckily, my pediatrician said that it was just fine, reassured me that I am a good mom, and offered to just wait him out and chat with us until he calmed down. Eventually he got bored with screaming and decided to interact with her. It turned out to be a really great visit, even though I was in tears for the first 40 minutes or so. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM. Parents who care as much as you SHOULD have more kids (if they want) because that will result in more well-raised, educated, caring people in the world.
Bless your heart. And thank you for blogging about this because although I like to stay in shape, most fitness goals are on the back burner to take care of my boys.
I’ve found that people who offer their oh-so-helpful advice either don’t have kids or had them like, 20 years ago and have forgotten what it’s like to have Son#1 pour a bag of rice on the carpet while Son#2 runs around without his diaper and leaves *ahem* deposits on the same carpet. Sometimes I do feel like, what is wrong with these kids? What is wrong with their (me) mother? Am I not scheduled/relaxed enough? Do I not give them enough space? Do I expect them to entertain themselves too much? But I think (in my limited experience) that sometimes days are rotten, and it’s not my fault, or their fault. I hope this doesn’t sound uncaring; I guess for me it’s a relief sometimes to realize that boys (all I have) do bizarre things sometimes, and it doesn’t matter if I got up the first time the alarm went off or five seconds after Son#2 started banging on the computer, some days are just that way. Hope your all your days here on out are better, and if you want to, say, key your ped’s car, I’d be happy to help.
I’m sure you are a wonderful mom to your kiddos. Someday I’m going to become a doctor and have ENORMOUS waiting rooms full of clean and exciting toys to play with. There will be a thermostat in each room where the parent can adjust the temperature as needed. I will keep all my personal opinions to myself so as to keep the line of patients moving.
Holly
Eeek! That’s awful! I too get the comment about having my hands full, or the other one “I don’t know how you do it…”. WTH? Hugs! You are being the best mom YOU can be – and your boys are very lucky to have YOU! I love you Lisa!
Janice – The Fitness Cheerleader´s last [type] ..And The Coolest Race Shirt Ever Award Goes To…
I seriously just want to give you a hug right now. (Related: When are we EVER gonna meet???)
You are the mother. YOU know what is best. And you know YOUR CHILDREN the best. Block out the external crap (I know it’s hard) but always trust your instincts and go with your gut.
Hang in there momma.
Sarahviz´s last [type] ..Tickets-for-Charity- June Promotion Sox Tickets!
Oh mama, I know exactly how you feel. It is truly appalling what people will say to mothers, and sadly, it’s worse coming from another mother themselves.
You are a strong woman not to have let that doctor have it, right then and there. No medical professional should EVER talk to you that way, especially after making you wait 40 minutes to be seen.
I wish we lived closer so I could truly lend you a hand. All I can offer now, is my ear. Any time you need to vent, you come find me.
P.S. What the heck was wrong with that playdate mother? What’s wrong with HER kid? Sheesh.
((hugs))
Anda T´s last [type] ..A little bit of change
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