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My mom always taught me that if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.
Unfortunately I never seem to apply that principle to myself and spent the good part of Sunday calling myself all sorts of names. Words like “fat, slow, and pointless” just flowed out of my mouth and hovered over my head all day long.
I am in a funk and having a hard time finding my way out. It seems that my brain just cannot let go of the old version of me. The one that could run for miles and barely break a sweat. The person who used to wake up at 4:30 every morning and hit the gym for a serious workout, and then do it all over again that evening. The person who could fit into all of those old clothes hanging in my closet. I’ll call her “BK Lisa” (before kids Lisa). Sometimes I forget I am not that person anymore so when the reality hits, it hits hard.
Here is what happened. I am training for a 1/2 marathon (that is next month!), so I decided to enter a local 12k race. It was last minute though and I certainly didn’t prepare myself correctly because “BK Lisa” never had to worry about stuff like that. “BK Lisa” always had a training plan and stuck to it.
I got to the race on time, registered, and waited with a couple hundred other people. Piece of cake, I thought, I’ve done this a million times before. Again, this was “BK Lisa” talking. The new version of me should have been thinking “did you eat a solid breakfast and have you trained for this distance?”. Sadly both of those answers would be no!
The race started and after about a mile I realized that everyone and their brother was passing me. It was an out and back course through the woods and since we were not wearing bib numbers, I thought “I could quit and no one would notice.”
Now that is something “BK Lisa” would have never said. What happened to her? The determination? The drive? The speed? I was defeating myself before even finishing this race!
It wasn’t pretty, but I trudged through. At one point I was running alone and wondered if I was even on course. I have never been alone in a race before. Where was everyone? Could I really be last? (I wasn’t, but I certainly felt like I was. )
The finish line came into sight and I almost started crying. Not because I was proud that I finished but because I was glad this torture was over. I was slower than ever and there was no denying it. I drove home thinking there is no way I can do this 1/2 marathon because I cannot take the thought of finishing with such a slow time, which is just crazy because does it really matter? Why am I beating myself up over finishing with a slow time instead of celebrating the fact that I finished?!
Basically because I have the history of “BK Lisa”. She would have finished the race long before I did this weekend and that is eating away at me. I know it doesn’t make sense, but it is what is going on inside my head right now.
My little boy was so excited to see me and said “Did you win mommy?!” which made me want to start bawling all over again. No, I told him but mommy finished the race and that is all that is important. That made him happy and I wish I could say the same for me.
I am happy that I finished, but I still can’t shake the pressure of competing with “BK Lisa”. I miss her and now that she seems to be gone, running is losing it’s luster for me, which makes me even sadder.
So in order to pull myself out of my funk, I am going to focus on turning my negative thoughts into positive ones:
Negative: I am too fat
Positive: I am very fit and at a healthy weight. The fact that I can run 7.5 miles at a time is a great accomplishment!
Negative: I am a slow runner
Positive: I am a runner and I love it. My son doesn’t care how fast I run, he just thinks it is amazing that mommy runs races!
Negative: I’ll never improve my running time
Positive: The more I run and train, the faster I am going to get.
Negative: I’ll never be the old me again.
Positive: I’ll never be the old me again because now I have two fantastic little boys who love me more than anything in this world.
I just need to focus on the positive and let “BK Lisa” go.
Any other suggestions on how to pull myself out of this funk?
Thanks for reading this far and I promise we’ll be back to more motivating workouts soon! Being in a funk is no fun!
Written on Tuesday, March 4th, 2008 at 1:13 am
Filed under about me.
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March 4th, 2008 at 1:31 am
You’re right, you’ll never be BKLisa again, but another reason to add to the positive is that BKLisa didn’t have two sons who were learning from her everyday. You’re teaching your boys the importance of having a healthy lifestyle. You’re also taking a huge responsibility of taking care of two loveable sons. BKLisa didn’t have this responsibility.
You’re right, you’ll never be BKLisa again, but do you really want to be?
March 4th, 2008 at 2:02 am
You should be happy with everything you have now. You’re a role model for your boys and your readers. Just Do It and enjoy yourself.
March 4th, 2008 at 8:31 am
you KNOW I adore turning (your turning. me? I can struggle with it at times too) all those negatives into positives.
is it wrong I wanna tell MY DAUGHTER the ole adage (smile) of:
If you dont have anything nice to say—-come sit by me.
M.
March 4th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Now I get what Frannie was responding to…I like AK Lisa so much
I never met BK Lisa but I can’t imagine her to be any cooler than AK Lisa!
March 4th, 2008 at 9:22 am
You can be tortured by skinny girls in magazines or tortured by an outdated image of yourself. Or, you can stop torturing yourself. I can’t run, and I used to be a runner. Occasionally I look back at that and wish that I was a runner again, but I am not going back to that. I can’t. Be thrilled for yourself and go on from here. Your son is proud of you. Be proud of you too.
Yesterday I took my first yoga class. They had mirrors from the floor to the ceiling. I hate mirrors - correction, I used to hate mirrors. I watched my belly hang out while I did this pose and that pose, but I really enjoyed that my body was doing this graceful stuff. It was really neat! Even if the belly never goes, I have a great body!
March 4th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Big Hug coming your way, Lisa! I completely agree with you. I think that wanting to return to Before Kids sometimes is perfectly normal. Children are a huge responsibility and we feel selfish when trying to find a small part of our old self. It’s not something I was prepared to experience.
The idea that raising children is wonderful all the time is something that our society seems to envision (yes, I’m stereotyping a bit here). Why do women not want to discuss that raising children is hard and there are bad days? I think it is important that we let those feelings out. Otherwise, the negatives grow and the positives are overshadowed.
You are a wonderful motivator, mom, woman, and runner. You love to go to the gym and teach cycling classes and you’re an inspiration for many women. Thank you for being here for us.
Keep trekking forward and you will find your groove. It may be a bit slower, but isn’t it amazing to be free to run and achieve your goals?!
You are definitely setting your sons up for a wonderful, encouraging, and healthy message. It doesn’t matter how you get to the end as long as you keep your head up and overcome the obstacles. Our minds are our biggest competitors!
Plus, I know each stage of raising children is different and demanding, but toddlerhood is unbelievably demanding and exhausting. You’re doing fantastic.
March 4th, 2008 at 9:52 am
I love how open you are about your struggles and low points. And how awesome is it that you take these low points and look at the positive side? Now THAT’S an indication of a healthy attitude. We are ALL going to have times where we don’t love ourselves, but what matters is how we handle it. And I think you’re handling it just fine. I admire you.
March 4th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Lisa, The BK LISA will be back when your baby sleeps through the night! BK LISA will be faster when everybody in the house SLEEPS all night. I promise!!
Think running for fitness right now. Run for PR’s later. Women get faster..look at Joan Benoit, Kathrine Switzer.
Enjoy your day.
March 4th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I too was at the back ‘o the pack….it bothered me at first when everyone else was flying by. But I had to remind myself what an accomplishment it was to be out there in the first place!!! How many people can’t even run a mile and I ran over 6!!!! This is one of those times when it is ok for it to be all about you….not BK you but AK you…..and you rock!!!!
March 4th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I sometimes have to ask myself, which would I rather have? My BK body and no kids, or my kids and my belly? And I choose the latter. Even though it’s difficult and exhausting, and there are times I want to bang my head repeatedly on the floor, and I haven’t slept through the night in almost 7 years, and the kids’ college fund has turned into their food fund, and looking at old pictures of myself is sheer torture.
You give SO much. Not just to your kids and family, but to all of us who read your blog. It’s a good thing to take some time for yourself, and it’s OK to take things slowly. It’s OK to struggle, because, in the end, it makes the victory (like finishing a race, or even a mile) that much sweeter.
A friend once said something incredible to me, which I’ll now say to you. I was dumping on myself, and he said “Stop that. You’re being mean to my friend, and I don’t like that.”
March 4th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
your not just incredible for you kids, but look at this support you get from moms and fitness fantatics all over simply from your blog! Every morning, someone make the effort to read what you wrote and they obviously relish it or they wouldn’t continue visiting. You impact so many people to really get up and start being active and happy, and for that too, you rock!
March 4th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Well, the not sleeping can NOT be helping your state of mind! This turning the negative into a positive was AWESOME — a great exercise right there. Thanks for sharing!!
March 4th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
I’m right there with you, Lisa:) I have those days too. But when I starting comparing AK Charlotte with BK Charlotte, I try and remember all the non-physical things I’ve gained since having my kids. I may have stretch marks like a tiger chased me down but I wouldn’t go back to BK for anything. I’m so much happier now and wiser and kinder and patient and I bet you are too! Besides, we have our bodies for our whole lives - if we’re not nice to them now, they’re not going to be nice to us later;) Thanks for sharing your struggles with us - I am so glad that other fitness folk struggle with this too!
March 4th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Hi Lisa,
Having been a trainer yourself, you know that some days you just feel lousy.
Maybe it’s time for a new challenge? Martial arts, power lifting…who knows…just something to spic up your training.
I wish you the best,
Stephen
March 5th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Your son is absolutely right. Listen to him. His Mommy can run races!
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Damn, I wish I could run races. LOL.
March 5th, 2008 at 11:44 am
It’s so interesting how reading about a fellow woman’s struggles can shed such important light on my own. Especially us bloggers who are often trying to be upbeat and uber-positive…we still have down days too! I think your exercise of turning negatives into positives is so smart. I don’t have kids but I did have an ED and back then, I would/could run for an hour at a high speed on little fuel. Of course, I was sick. Now, three miles, maybe four, and I am dunzos. Does that mean I was “better” before (my personal ‘BK’)? No, I was just in a different phase. I am so much happier overall, AA (After Anorexia.)
Chin up, girl - you’re a wonderful motivator for so many of us!
March 5th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
I read your post and I just want to adamantly remind you that you can be as fit and as fast as BK Lisa. YES. YOU. CAN. No question in my mind. You can do it.
There is just something going around that is causing a blogosphere fitness funk… hopefully it will be passing soon.
March 5th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Thanks for sharing Lisa, I feel like we got to know you a bit more. So many of us have the same struggles. Mine was with my inner 19 year old who kept berating me for not being where we were supposed to be in life now. The voice wouldn’t let up, and it got to me. It’s tough, but what you have now that BK Lise didn’t have is this blog and the community you’ve created. Now Lisa is doing so many things that BK Lisa never did. Now Lisa has so much to be proud of and to celebrate. What helped me with the 19 yo was to talk to her and find out what she was trying to teach me. BK Lisa is here for a reason. Try talking to her to find out what parts of you need reconciling. It worked wonders for me.
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